


Their Thoughts and Memories

by AvixenK



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Depressed Lance (Voltron), Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-27
Updated: 2018-01-27
Packaged: 2019-03-10 01:44:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13494188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AvixenK/pseuds/AvixenK
Summary: Pidge created a device where everyone can see what another person most often thinks and then are shown a memory associated with those thoughts. Allura approves this machine's use and gathers everyone in the training room to use it calling it a bonding exercise.





	Their Thoughts and Memories

The Lions parked in their individual hangers. Their paladins running out, some faster than others, to the lounge where the others would meet not able to pass by. The Red Paladin entered first slamming his fist against the nearest wall. The Blue Paladin would have entered second if he hadn't stopped in front of his doorway to listen to fists repeatedly punching a solid wall. All the others came in together and only then did the Blue Paladin walk in.  
The red one turned toward the green and pointed his finger at her. "YOU SAID THERE WEREN'T ANY ENEMIES!"  
"There wasn't any when I scanned the planet! My tech must have just malfunctioned."  
"Keith calm down. These things happen." Shiro tried. He was clearly trying to suppress his own frustration.  
"THINGS WOULD HAVE GONE AT LEAST A LITTLE BETTER IF LANCE HAD FOLLOWED EVERYONE ELSE!" Keith yelled now turned towards the Blue Paladin.  
"I THOUGHT SHIRO SAID 'GO'. I'M NOT THE ONE WHO BUTTED HUNK OUT OF THE WAY TO GET A FEW EXTRA KILLS!" Lance retaliated.  
"Yeah Keith. I had to fight off even more Galra ships because of that!"  
"You shouldn't have done that." Shiro said to Keith. But now he turned towards Lance. "And you should have rejoined us sometime during that fight!" His tone picked up.  
"We couldn't form Voltron because you were doing acrobatics Lance!" Pidge put in.  
"Yeah dude. I'm with them. You had plenty of openings to come back to us." Hunk agreed.  
Lance's face looked a tad shocked that his best friend agreed with them. The shock quickly turned to anger before anybody could comprehend it. "I'm not going to take this any more than I have to!"  
Lance half heartily ran out of the lounge. Nobody took note of what exactly he had said. They just watched him run in the direction of his room. When he was out of sight Keith began yelling at Shiro for his lazy orders that day. The lounge became chaos again with all the yelling and criticizing.

Allura didn't bother lecturing the paladins. Her frustrations at the lack of team work they had was radiating off her body. It took two days before she was able to speak to anyone without her voice raising. Two days? That means the paladins haven't trained in two days! That won't do. But they needed to bond as a team to increase how well they work together. Yet the exercises they already do wouldn't be enough. They haven't been enough for a while now. There needed to be a new exercise.  
Allura knocked on the door of Pidge. The sound of falling books and crumbled paper came from the other side before the door was opened. It was evident that the young paladin had never left her room the past two days.  
"Oh hey Allura. You need something?" Pidge asked. She rubbed her eyes as she said that adjusting to the light of the hallway.  
"Indeed Pidge. I was hoping you could create a new team bonding excersise. I've realised that the old methods aren't as efficient and who better to ask than you seeing as technology is your specialty." Allura explained. She placed her hands behind her back and crossed her fingers.  
"Well I'm actually working on something right now related to that." Pidge looked up at the Altean princess with excitement. She didn't know she would be able to use this so soon.  
"Pidge this is perfect! Are you able to bring this thing down to the training room?"  
"I didn't exactly make it portable but it's not impossible. I can have it down in ten dobash."  
"Pidge you're a life saver! Will you need any help?"  
"I can manage on my own but thanks for asking."  
Allura quickly hugged Pidge and thanked her before running towards the bridge. She made the announcement to the rest of the paladins to meet in the training room for a team bonding excersise in fifteen dobash.

 

Keith being already in the training room had helped Pidge set up her machine to her computer. She ran a quick scan of the machine to find any issues and that it was still working properly, which there were none and was running smoothly.  
Hunk came in with a plate of cookies explaining that he had just made his cookies better and wasn't going to just leave them. Shiro came in next and by then Hunk's cookies were gone to his disappointment. Lance come in last not making eye contact with anyone unless he had to. After all the paladins were together Allura walked in.  
"I had approached Pidge asking for a new method in team bonding. Just our luck, she had already been working on something that was ready to go. Pidge can you explain how your device works?" Allura said.  
"Gladly!" Pidge picked up a dark blue disc and five smaller white discs. "Each one of us will take turns having this blue disc. You'll stick it to the side of your head like this," she demonstrated by pulling her hair slightly back to place the disc on her head like she said. "And that's how you'll have control but not really. More on that in a tick."  
Pidge stood up from her computer to walk around and hand out everyone their own white disc. Even Allura got one.  
"We're basically going to go into each other's mind. First we'll see what the person wearing the main blue disc most often thinks and then we'll all see a memory or two of theirs related to those thoughts. Whoever has the blue disc will be the sole person whose thoughts and memories we'll see but you won't have any control over what is said and shown." Pidge explained. She sat back down.  
"Hey, hey, hey this is an invasion of privacy!" Lance shouted. He had a worried look on his face.  
"Well none of you have nothing to hide do you?" Allura asked looking at each of the paladins.  
They all shook their heads. Lance was hesitant to shake his.  
"Well what are we waiting for? Let's do this!" Hunk yelled with enthusiasm. He placed his white disc to his head and watched the others do the same.  
Once everyone had sat down Pidge tapped a button on her computer and the room faded away.

The training room disappeared but none of the people that were once in it did. They only seemed to fizzle. The first thing they felt was a thin layer of water under their feet. The dark room slightly lit up when an image of Pidge sitting on her bed in the castle ship looking at her laptop appeared out of nothing. Pidge's voice began to echo deeply across whatever this place was. Neither one of the two Pidges moved their lips though.  
"I've gotten lots more data now than I had a few days ago. Things are really looking good. I'm getting really confident about finding Matt but I know I shouldn't get cocky or anything. My excitement may blind me when I go over the details in this new data. But I'm getting so close!"  
The Pidge in her bed was blown away and the room immediately exploded with light which caused somebody to yelp. It sounded like Hunk but he was gone. Everybody was gone.  
Now there was a starry night sky overhead. Rough shingles of a roof were felt under soft hands. A boy to the right with hair as red as Pidge's was seen turning toward them. No not them, her. This is Katie's memory and they all were looking through her eyes.  
"I told you to get a bigger coat Katie." The boy said.  
"I'm fine Matt. I told you it wasn't that cold and I was right." The memory Pidge said.  
"Well you better not be lying because the meteor shower is going to last a good hour and I'm going to force you to watch it all." The boy, Matt, said.  
A bag of cookies were tossed onto the roof. A gray haired man climbed onto the roof right after. Once he was up and made sure he was sturdy he grabbed the bag and sat to the left of Katie.  
"You better not have already started eating those without us Dad!" She told him.  
"It was very tempting but I didn't." He replied as he handed the bag to her.  
She ripped it open and was the first to stuff her face with the store bought cookies.  
"Don't eat them all!" Matt exclaimed. He reached into the bag and pulled out a handful.  
"Hush now you two. The show is starting."  
Pidge looked up at the sky. She waited a few moments and was about to tell her Dad that he lied when something dashed across the sky. Many more began to streak the night lighting it up even more than the stars already did. The meteors put on a lulling show and a quick question passed through her mind of: "I wonder where they're going to all land if they do at all."  
The show continued. For a moment Pidge looked at her brother and father watching in amazement and then looked back up. She sighed a satisfying sigh. That's when the memory ended.  
The real Pidge in the real world peeled the blue disc on the side of her head off. The training room was back and so was everyone else. They all left their discs on and were waiting on Pidge.  
"So that's how that works. Like I said: first the thoughts then the memory. I was thirteen when I watched that meteor shower."  
"Oh how lovely!" Allura complemented.  
Pidge stood up and walked over to Allura and handed her the main disc. She peeled her white one off and replaced it with the blue. Pidge walked back to her computer and when she looked around the room gaining a nod from everyone she pressed the button that made the room vanish again into the Dark Room.

Water was felt under feet again. Sooner than Pidge's, an image of Allura at her command center in the bridge appeared. Almost immediately did her voice began speaking overhead.  
"Oh I hope I'm doing a good job commanding and such. And I really hope that I'm making father proud. I pray to the gods that he is watching over me with a smile."  
The memory came quicker as well. It was her a child visiting the castle ship for the first time. Her hand was in her father's and he was trying to explain how everything worked as simply as he could. Alteans were seen rushing by them tending to their individual duties on the ship. The memory was short lived but non the less pleasant. When they returned to the real world the main disc was passed to Shiro.  
They dived right into the Dark Room. The image and thoughts didn't came as easily as Allura's but but we're still sooner than Pidge's.  
The image was of him in the cockpit of the Black Lion. He wasn't in battle he was just sitting there. The voice was booming when it spoke.  
"God I hope I'm doing as good of a job leading Voltron as I think I'm doing. I mean I think I'm doing awesome. But how can I really tell? Oh god please don't go into a panic attack."  
The associated memory was of him preparing for the Kerberas mission. He talked to the two Holts and got to know them enough to make them feel comfortable around him. The hours of conversation was cut to minutes and seconds in the memory and finally it faded away. They returned to the real world and next up was Hunk. Out of everyone Hunk was the fastest when it came to the image, thoughts, and memory.  
He was seen standing in the kitchen on the ship thinking of wanting suitable replacements for chili, chocolate, biscuits, and rolls. His memory followed the same topic and everybody was shown when Hunk won a cooking contest against a pro chef at the age of eleven. He was given five hundred dollars as prize money but the real prize was being praised by the chef he won against. The memory ended as the chef was giving him pro tips. Back in the real world Hunk began to explain that he does to this day use the tips he was told in his cooking. He handed off the disc to Keith who suddenly looked hesitant now that it was his turn.

Keith had to breath several times before he placed the disc to his head. His image and thoughts took the longest and he had to breath deeply even more before it came.  
Keith stood on the bridge looking out into the endless stretch of space. The voice of his thoughts was lower than anybody else's but was still audible. The real Keith fiddled with the hem of his jacket as it spoke.  
"I'm never going back. I'm never going back. I'm never going back." It said. The others started to look at the real Keith, who was trying to hide in his jacket, wondering what he could mean. The voice answered the unspoken question. "I'm never going back to Earth. I'm never going back. I'm never going back to that hell. I refuse to go back." Anger was a clear emotion in the last thing it said. "NOBODY CAN MAKE ME GO!"  
Complete darkness fell on them. Nobody could see anybody else but they all heard Keith taking deep desperate breaths. Shiro was about to speak up but before he could the memory revealed itself.  
A twelve year old Keith stared up at a drunken man. Being in Keith's memory and head everyone knew that this man was a foster father not his actual dad.  
The man raised his fist and Keith closed his eyes and raised his arms in a block attempt. Keith screamed in pain as the fist struck his left shoulder. Another fist hit him in the stomach. Keith toppled over on his side and was then repeatedly kicked. For a brief moment the violence stopped. Keith opened his eyes and watched as the foster father grabbed a flower vase and threw it at his head. It shattered when it hit him and Keith could feel droplets of blood on his forehead. That memory faded away with the pain lingering a tad longer. Everybody prepared themselves to enter the real world but it didn't happen. Instead a second memory revealed itself.  
It was two days later after the first memory. Keith was in the kitchen reapplying bandages to his head. When he was done with that the front door was heard opening and slamming with hard force. Keith gasped and grabbed something without looking and turned to the pissed man entering the kitchen. He pointed his weapon, which was a knife, at the man.  
"Stay back." Keith warned.  
"What's a child like you going to do, huh? You won't do a damn thing."  
The man walked up menacingly to Keith. Keith gripped the knife harder and with a shout swung the knife across the man's chest. He stumbled back and brought his hands to his chest. When he pulled his hands away they were glistened with blood.  
"You bitch ass kid." He said to Keith as he began to stumble away.  
Keith began to breath when the man was out of sight. He sunk down onto the kitchen floor and brought the knife closer to him swearing to never let this knife go.  
The real world came back in a sudden rush. Everybody began gasping for air. Keith ripped the disc off and threw it at Lance who caught it. They all began to look at Keith and tried to say something but he stopped them.  
"Just don't even say anything. It's in the past. If it makes you feel any better I got out of there soon after all that." He said. He shut down any attempts that were made to talk to him about what they saw.  
"Well now that I'm out of the way it's Lance's turn." Keith said turning towards him. "Let's get yours over with."

"Oh, um, I can't. I just can't." Lance said.  
"Oh what? You trying to hide some embarrassing flirt attempts? Don't be a chicken Lance." Keith teased.  
"What, no, I've got nothing embarrassing to hide."  
"Then put the stupid disc on your head and let's get it over with!"  
"I said I don't want to!"  
"DO IT ALREADY. YOUR HEAD CAN'T POSSIBLY BE WORSE THAN MINE!"  
"BITCH IT MIGHT BE!" Lance yelled back. He put the disc to his head while glaring at Keith. The training room fell away quickly and the Dark Room made its sixth appearance.  
They all heard Lance mutter "Oh no." and then watched him step several steps away from them. He hung his head and shoved his hands in his pockets. Around him Keith, Shiro, Hunk, Pidge, and Allura appeared around him. This is where his own voice would have been heard but this was different. The duplicates of everyone began speaking to the real Lance.  
"LANCE WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" The Shiro yelled at him.  
"STOP MESSING AROUND YOU IDIOT!" Keith screamed.  
"WILL YOU STOP THAT?" Allura growled.  
"NOT NOW LANCE!" Pidge screamed.  
"LANCE LEAVE ME ALONE!" Hunk exclaimed.  
All at once the duplicates screamed "SHUT UP LANCE! SHUT UP LANCE! SHUT UP LANCE!"  
They were still yelling when they disappeared. Lance hung his head even lower. Then another Lance stepped out of the darkness. The other Lance grabbed his counterpart and made him look at himself. He grinned evilly and then he spoke.  
"Would you look at yourself. Jesus you're fucking ugly. Nothing about you is right. That's just one of the reasons nobody likes you. You're also worthless and mean nothing. You are nothing. What you are though is a burden and distraction to everyone around you. Shiro hardly talks to you, Allura gives you nothing but eye rolls anymore, Keith flat out hates you, Pidge and Hunk go look for each other whenever they can, and even Coran is never around when you need him. And the only thing they ever say to you anymore is 'shut up.' Why are you still here Lance?"  
"They need me to pilot Blue."  
"Even you know that's not true. You're replaceable Lance. They could just go pick up another pilot and whoever it is will already be better than you. Able to follow Shiro's orders, be as strong as Keith, as smart as Pidge and Hunk combined, able to come up with plans like Allura, on top of things like Coran. Where do you fit in at? Nowhere. You don't belong here. All you ever want to do is go home. You probably can't even do that because you're so far away. Your family probably thinks you're dead anyway so what would be the point?"  
The other Lance let go of the real one. He went back to hanging his head. The other Lance walked around him taking a good long look at his so called teammates. He made his real self turn towards them and slung an arm across his shoulders.  
"Look at them. They're all thinking the same thing" The other paused and looked at them one more time before saying words that nobody in existence wants to hear. "Kill yourself Lance. You're a burden to them. You're a waste of breath and space. You'll be doing them and the universe a favor if you do and you know it. You know all that I've said is true. The biggest truth is that you're depressed. And you're already suicidal." The other Lance disappeared. The memories began right after.  
Lance pressed his body against the door. He heard a click from the other side and pressed his ear against his door. He listened to see if his family had really gone to bed. He waited several moments before he quietly ran himself to his dresser. He pulled the top drawer out and fished out his pocket knife. He closed the drawer and went to sit on the edge of his bed. He pressed the tips of the blade to his wrist. He forced his eyes to watch. He made a quick and decently deep cut on his left wrist. He screamed loudly but went and cut his other wrist as well. He began to pass out but heard his door being kicked down. The next time Lance saw light he couldn't breathe. His mother was hugging him too tightly. He pushed her away and saw that he was in the hospital. "Great." He thought.  
"¿Por qué hiciste eso?" Why did you do that? his mother asked him in Spanish.  
"Lo siento mama." I'm sorry Mama.  
"Nunca vuelvas a hacer eso. Prometeme." Never do that again. Promise me.  
The next sentence Lance spoke in English so she couldn't understand him. "I can't promise that."  
The memory ended but another began playing.  
Lance was in the med Bay by himself. He double checked to see if the door was locked which it was. He went to the middle of the room and grabbed a big glass vial. He threw it at a wall. It shattered and the pieces fell to the ground. He ran over to the glass and picked up the sharpest and biggest. He sat down on the remaining pieces and pressed the one in his hand to his left wrist. He never hesitated to make a deep cut. He didn't stop at his wrist though this time. He cut all along his arm and did the same to the other wrist and arm. Then he went to the legs. He would have cut his stomach next if Coran hadn't begun to pound on the door demanding whoever was inside to open up. Lance gave a little cut to his neck before struggling to the healing pods. He opened one up and began to step inside. When his first foot was inside the memory stopped and Lance was thrust into the real world along with the others. He quickly ripped the disc on his head off and threw it in Pidge's direction. He tried to get up quickly but failed the first few. When he did he ran his skinny ass out of there. He turned towards his room and locked himself inside where he was free to have the oncoming panic attack.  
The others watched him go. When he turned the corner all of them began to think over what just happened. Keith was sitting with his legs behind him hiding his face in his hands, Hunk sat on his knees and stared at the floor, Pidge was already crying a waterfall, Shiro had his hand over his mouth and tears beginning to form in his eyes, and Allura wasn't able to properly function after that. None of them were okay. Lance, the most out going light of the party, had been depressed this entire time.  
"S-Shiro. What d-do we do-o?" Pidge asked through tears.  
Shiro could only shake his head. He didn't know. What could they do? Should they even do something?

Lance never came out of his room for the next four days. Hunk made sure that food was always outside his door and it was a relief that when he came back the trays were empty.  
When he finally did come out he was greeted by the most full of love group hug. Each one of them made sure that they were sorry for everything. They all assured him that they wouldn't want anyone else to fly Blue, that none of them thought those awful things and Lance was grateful that they didn't go into details and kept it short, and that they truly needed him on this team. He was the glue that held them together and he had every right to be on this team.  
They never again used Pidge's machine yet none of them could deny the fact that it did bring the team closer so it did it's job. Efforts to make every one of them feel appreciated were made. Even Keith gave Lance a complement every now and then.  
Lance never cut himself again. That didn't mean bad thoughts or ideas ran across his mind. He was still depressed but that wasn't going away anytime soon. Lance knew he had real friends that he could depend on whenever he did feel like shit though. That alone made everything so much easier.

**Author's Note:**

> I thought this was a least decent but I really wanted to have this out there so here it is.  
> Also sorry if the Spanish wasn't right (I relied on Google)


End file.
